Coffee

I was still depressed when I left Nick’s graveside, but I felt a little better than I had when I showed up. I felt more like he was with me, like he was saying, ‘Sounds like a great idea, Sean, you’re so cute in my pajamas, you look like a five year old.’ He’s right too, he’s… he was… 6’2” for crying out loud. At 5’8, I’m lucky to reach his shoulder. And if you add his hair, well geez, depending on whether he was having a “good hair night” or not it could spike to about 6’6” I’d say, and be pretty much any color of the rainbow. Anyway, when I wear his PJ’s I have to roll them up. A lot.

So I was smiling a little as I got on the bus to go home. It was almost dusk when I got off at Palmer Square. I made my way up Nassau Street. I’d just crossed over Witherspoon when I heard my name.

“Sean? Seany?”

I sighed. I had a date with Nick’s pajamas and I was looking forward to it.

“Hey Seany,” Topher smiled at me as he walked toward me. He smiled at everyone, he was friendly that way. It was nice because nobody really smiles at me these days… I get a lot of sad eyes and hugs, but not a lot of smiles. I really tried to smile back, I hope it looked sincere.

“Hey, Topher.”

“Seany, where’ve you been all day? I called…”

“I went to see Nick.” I told him. The other thing about Topher is he has a lousy poker face. I think it comes with being “nice”. I could see everything register across his face… surprise, pity, discomfort... I stopped him before an awkward silence could set in. “I’m alright, Topher.”

“Oh…” Topher seemed relieved that I had spoken first. “Well of course you’re alright, honey. You’re a very strong person. Come have some coffee…”

That was nice of Topher, but I’ve never been strong. I’d like to be one day. I wonder if it’s something you can learn how to be. Nick wasn’t really strong either, although he was better than I am. “No thanks, Toph, I’m kinda tired…”

“You’re alone too much these days, Seany, come and sit with us and have a latte.”

“Us?” I asked, as if I needed to. Topher hung out with the pretty boys and there were only so many of them in this town.

“Yeah, you know… Jonny, Davey, Ricky…”

That was Topher for you. As far as he was concerned, everyone’s name ended in a “y”. He dragged me into Panera despite my protests, and pulled out a chair for me across the table from “Jonny” and next to “Davey”. “Ricky” was in the men’s room I was told.

“Hey Sean,” the boys greeted me in unison.

“Hi Jon, hey Dave.” Neither of them knew what to say to me next. I picked up a menu and read through it just so they didn’t feel like they had to entertain me.

“Seany has been to see Nicky today.” Topher said, being helpful. I sighed.

“Oh… yeah? So… is it nice out there?” Jon asked me. That was pretty cool of him actually, no one had ever asked me that before.

“Yeah, it’s nice… quiet, green.” I replied.

“Good… good…” Jon said. Dave was conspicuously silent.

“Get your hair cut?” Jon asked.

“Oh, yeah.” I ran my fingers through my mess of shortish bottle-blonde hair. “Made it a little lighter…” I shrugged.

“Yeah. Yeah, I like it. The white-blonde thing…” Jon waved his hand vaguely.

“Thanks.”

“He still doesn’t know how to use a comb.” Topher laughed. Maybe I blushed a little, I’m not sure. The table went silent again as Jon’s small talk engine ran out of steam.

“Oh look, there’s Ricky…” Topher said finally, pointing toward the back. I stood as Rick made his way over. I know Rick much better. He and I had a thing once, literally once. But he’s been a buddy since then.

“Sean.” Rick said walking right up and putting his arms around me. I could feel him sigh as he held me and when he let me go, his eyes met mine. There’s no lying to Rick, he can read everything in someone's eyes, especially mine. He was quiet and looked at me for so long that I got embarrassed and had to drop my gaze for a moment.

“They’re still green, Richard.” I said inanely, feeling my cheeks heat up.

“You ok?” He asked me, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

I looked back up at him. “I’m… ok.” I shrugged. I could have said more, but not with all these guys around. He seemed to get it because he winked at me and then proceeded to change the subject. Thank god for Rick.

“Have you guys seen the ads in the stalls in there? There all for New York theater and clubs and shit… like New York is anywhere near here.”

“It’s only an hour on the train…” Dave said, as if we didn’t all know that.

“Yeah, but… well, whatever, I thought it was weird. Did you get coffee, Sean?”

“Oh… no I’m not gonna stay, I’m… I have some things to do tonight.” Nick’s PJ’s were calling me.

Rick started to say something, but Jon looked at me for just a moment too long.

“What?” I asked, Jon. I have no idea what Rick was about to say but I totally interrupted him. I knew exactly what Jon's look was about.

“Oh… nothing…” Jon made a vailiant effort to get out of it, but I was feeling emotional and snarky so I pushed him.

“I rented a movie.”

“Sure, okay Sean. I didn’t… I was…”

“What, Jon?” I was a little annoyed. You could hear it in my voice.

“Sounded like maybe you were dating already, is all…” Jon said.

“No, Jon.”

“It’s a little early for that, Jon.” Topher said with a soothing lilt in his voice. He meant well but jesus, what was he my mother? “Besides, I’m sure he has to… you know…”

Ok, that one I didn’t follow. I gave Topher a glance that said so.

“Get tested…” he sort of whispered at me.

I was shocked. I knew people would talk about me among themselves, but I didn't expect this group to just... say it. Wasn’t that my business? I stared at Topher a minute and then stood up. “I've already done that, Topher. I’m gonna get going.”

“Sean?” Dave said, breaking his silence and also standing. “So… are you?”

“What, Dave? Positive? Sick?” I didn’t bother to hide my disgust. “None of your business.” I turned on my heel and headed for the door. I could hear Rick saying he’d call me, but I didn’t look back.

Fuck them. Yeah I was tested. I’m negative. Not that it matters, I still feel sick.