Color Me Grateful

On the bus ride home from New Hope I thought a lot about Rick. What he said… what happened… the stupid defensive way I’d reacted. I felt pretty relaxed, which makes me grin now because I guess that’s what they say about sex, you know? I’d never really noticed before. I’d ended up leaving the other Sean my phone number and my email and stuff on a piece of hotel stationery. You never know.

The walk home is surreal. Princeton on a Saturday night is all about nowhere to park, but no one is ever on the street. It’s like they drive up and disappear into all the overpriced restaurants and whatever. Odd. I linger outside the door to Rick’s… to my apartment for a few minutes gearing up for the big apology I owe him. I really don’t know what I’m gonna say, just I’m sorry and maybe he’ll want to talk some more. But when I key in, all the lights are out, and no one is home. I’m actually disappointed, I was ready to bite the bullet and kiss his feet. Seriously.

I leave Rick a note on his door and I go take a shower.

Around midnight I finally give up on waiting up for Rick to come home and I go to sleep. I’m tired lately, or drained or something… and I guess I pretty much crash. But I know when Rick finally gets home because I can feel him crawl in bed behind me. He smells dark, like sweat and alcohol. He whispers, “Sean...” and puts a hand on my shoulder to wake me up.

“Mmmm…” I sigh, rolling onto my back and blinking up at him, sleepily. Rick reaches over me and turns on my little bedside light. I squint and whine at him, but even with my light-sensitive eyes I can see he’s smiling at me, so I smile back.

“Eh-chem.” Rick clears his throat, and holds up the note I wrote him. “Color Me Grateful.” He says softly. “A good song with bad lyrics by Aio Euwana Pology…” He looks at me. “Haha.”

“I know that guy really well…” I snort, and of course, I blush. “His lyrics really do suck.” By now my eyes are more used to the light and I can see that Rick is all disheveled. He must have gone dancing. Rick laughs softly and goes on reading.

“Mr. Pology is making a special appearance this evening at your convenience should you wish to have a private concert…” He puts the note down. “You’re too cute.”

“Yeah. I‘ve learned how to milk that cute thing for everything it’s worth when I’m in the doghouse.” I run fingers through Rick’s hair.

“So? I want my concert.”

“Oh! Sure ok…” I say, ginning, and roll away from him out of bed.

“Ooh! You’re even wearing my favorite boxers.”

I look down. M&Ms. “Oh yeah… well, like I said, milk the cute thing…” I get my guitar and slip back onto the bed. “I wrote this tonight, like, in my head on the bus, on the way back from New Hope.”

“Is that where you went today? I was wondering. I asked around tonight, and no one had seen you. I was actually worried.”

“I was fine. Good day to shop.”

“I bet.”

“Anyway, so yeah, since I wrote it in my head, it’s gonna sound like hell. But I wrote it for you, so… at least it’s your own private hell.” I grin, Rick laughs. “Ok so here it goes...”

“Will Mr. Pology be signing autographs later?”

“Only if you pretend like you like the song…” I say, and I look down at the strings because I’m nervous.

The first few chords of the intro sound exactly as I’d imagined them in my head. The first verse comes off well enough, considering that I’d only hummed the tune and never actually sung the words out loud.

“Crayons give way to brilliant markers
Permanent ink replacing lead
Still never knew what color was
'Til you got into my head”

I sneak a peek at Rick, who’s eyes at that moment are on my fingers. He looks comfortable and intense. The next verse I try to sing to him, but when he meets my eyes I grin and laugh through part of the third line. Actually, it kinda made the timing better.

“Laugh at me if you want to
Glad that I could make you smile
I don't know why I can't retain
The colors of so many miles

Red and green have greater reason
Purple and pink have things to say
Black and white is so damn easy
But you gotta work to see the grey
So hard to see grey”

I’d closed my eyes for the chorus, and they just stay closed through the next verse. Rick, as far as I can tell, hasn’t moved, and he hasn’t made a single sound either. But that’s Rick for you, he’s listening.

“I was fresh and needed guidance
Blank canvas aching for your style
You colored me with gentle fingers
Held my body for a while”

They say you never forget your first, don’t they? I mean look at Nick and his stupid couch. I’m blushing now, and covered in goosebumps as my skin remembers what Rick’s touch felt like nearly ten years ago. I was a little twenty year old college student then and Rick was doing a substitute teacher thing while the regular professor was on leave. Yep, lost my virginity to my teacher. Didn’t need an apple or nothin’. Seems like another lifetime now.

“Yellow and blue mix into green
Yellow and Red make orange bright
But there, alone and in the corner
Grey is waiting through the night
Lonely grey, are you alright?”

Rick puts a hand on my knee. Its startles me into opening my eyes, and they find his easily. He’s giving me that look… that it’s OK I love you look that always chokes me up. I swallow hard. “Don’t look at me like that, I won’t finish this…” I say trying to lighten it up while I strum through a little musical break before the bridge. Rick winks at me.

“Believe me I remember how your
Body painted mine that night
I cherish everything you've done to
Prove to me that grey's alright

Mix the black and white together
Stir in all you mean to me
Add a dash of your patient wisdom
And grey is all I need to be.
Grey is everything to me…”

I’m about to do the little repeat the first chorus with a slight variation in lyrics thing when Rick puts his fingers across the neck of the guitar. My pick scrapes across it but the strings don’t respond.

“I shouldn’t have shoved you.”

“Rick… I was being a total asshole...”

“Still… I’m sorry.”

“Heard enough bad lyrics for tonight?”

“Will you record it for me?”

I smile. “Sure.”

Rick slides off my bed and shrugs out of his t-shirt. His jeans follow, and I’m reminded what a great body he has. Why doesn’t this great guy with a great body have a great boyfriend? Rick wraps his fingers around the neck of my guitar and takes it from me, setting it on the floor.

“I propose we try today again tomorrow.” He says with a funny lopsided grin.

“Do I get French toast?”

“Sure.”

“Well then yeah, I’m all for it…”

Rick climbs into bed and hits the lights. “Come here.”

My eyes get a little teary and my chest tightens. “What have I told you about being nice to me?”

“I dare you to try to stop me, Grey.” Rick says and pulls me into his arms.