New Day

I hung out all night with Dave, playing guitar and watching TV. Roxanne was around for most of the night, coming in and out every couple of hours to check in. At first I'd assumed that she was checking on Dave, she'd look him over, check his pulse, scribble something on his chart, but actually, I think she was checking on me. She brought me decent coffee instead of the stuff from the vending machine, and she gave me cool inside tips like showing me where I could steal jell-o from the little kitchenette the nurses used on the floor. I've had about four little plastic containers of the stuff; strawberry, lime, raspberry and grape. The grape was gross, I'm not having any more of that.

Dave slept pretty much all night. He woke up once or twice either thirsty, or having to pee or whatever, but otherwise we didn't hardly talk all night.

I fell asleep in the reclining chair next to Dave's bed at some point, and I just now woke up to the sound of Dave sniffling. I guess he's been at it for a while because he's got half a box worth of Kleenex crumpled up on the bedside table.

"Dave?" I get out of my chair and move closer to the bed. He doesn't look at me. "Dave. Hey…" I put a hand on his shoulder. I don't know why but that makes him start sobbing, hard. "Oh…" I pull my hand away because I figure that means he doesn't want me to touch him.

Except then Dave sits up suddenly and bunches a big handful of my shirt in his fist, then presses his forehead to my chest. I'm still sort of half-awake and it startles the hell out of me.

"I'm sorry," he starts mumbling through horrible tears. His shoulders shake and he's trembling. "I shouldn't have done it I'm… I'm sorry... Nick was so hot and… and I was so stupid and I sure am paying for it now aren't I? Sorry, Sean…" Dave just babbles on and on, gasping for breath every so often. "I don't want to die… I don't …"

"Dave…"

"Just tell me you forgive me. Do you forgive me? You must because you're being so nice to me… I'm sorry Sean, I should have told you. Do you forgive me?"

Nothing like putting a guy on the spot. I try to extract my shirt from Dave's fingers and I end up holding his hand while he half-sits, half kneels on the bed, still trembling. His hand is clammy. He turns bright red eyes on me and I'm not sure if what I see in them is fear or sadness or both. Or desperation maybe.

"Dave, lie down."

"I just want to take it back, Sean. I want to take it back. I want it to go way…"

Yeah. Well, I'd like you to take it back too. I'd like to take a lot of things back myself, Dave, but you 'made your bed' as my mother used to say, and now, you have to lie in it. It's not going to go away, you have to learn to live with it. Lots of people do.

"Lie down, now, Dave…"

I want to accept his apology, but… I mean, I'd like to forgive him but I don't feel like I'm done being angry yet?... If that makes any sense. I feel badly for Dave, but part of me wants to get away from this. I don't know why, but this feels kind of unhealthy and bad for me.

But he doesn't have anybody else you know? I can't leave him alone either. So maybe this is what I have to do.

I manage to get Dave back down on the bed before the morning nurse comes in. I guess she heard him. As she goes about helping him get comfortable, she asks me if I think he's calm now, or if she should give him something to help him sleep. I can't answer that question so I just shake my head and shrug.

"Everything alright?"

I look over to find Rick standing in the doorway with Marcellus. It looks to me like Rick hasn't gotten a wink of sleep since he left last night. I quickly look back at Dave because I really don't know what to say to Rick. Fortunately, the nurse answers for me.

"I think so. It looks like he was just a little upset." Her nametag says "Beth". Roxanne must have told her that I was Dave's partner or something because she starts confiding in me. "I'm not going to give him anything right now." She says quietly. "He has a psyche consult set up for just before lunch, and then we'll know what the next step is. Alright?"

I nod at her. I guess I'm just relieved that she hasn't tried to throw me out since I'm not family. She moves around and adds something to Dave's chart and leaves the room. Marcellus pulls the chart off the bed and has a look at it, nods, looks at Rick and puts it back. "He's good." He tells Rick. "How about you?" He asks, looking at me this time.

"Hm?"

"How are you holding up?"

"Oh… I'm ok." Dave is lying in bed on his side, silently staring at nothing. I reach over and tuck a strand of damp brown hair behind his ear. I feel arms slide around my waist from behind, and I lean into Rick's chest.

"I love you, Sean. I was angry last night but it had nothing to do with you." He kisses my temple and I turn around and hug him back. "Marcellus came along to take you to breakfast."

I look past Rick's should at Marcellus. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." He says. "And I have your key…"

"Oh yeah, my key."

"Why don't you get out of here." Rick says, letting me go. I'm going stay for an hour or so and then Topher said he was going to come by."

"Topher, really?" Wow. I suddenly feel lighter. It seems like everyone is pitching in, so maybe this doens't have to be all on me. I guess Rick did try to tell me that yesterday. He's always right. I smile at him. "You need some sleep."

"Yeah." He nods. "I have a sub in for me today, so I'll nap later."

I feel a hand slip into mine, but it's not Rick's. "C'mon." Marcellus says, giving me a light tug. I give Dave one more look, and then let myself be pulled from the room.