Pizza - Part One, Black Flannel PJ's

I don’t entirely remember the scenery along the bus route home because I was looking inward instead. I left that coffee shop so fucking angry that anyone would just outright ask me whether or not I was positive under the circumstances, and it took me the whole ride home to cool off about it.

I still can’t get over Dave. He’s always been the quiet one in the group, always had something sweet to say or an adorably naïve comment. It doesn’t seem like him to just blurt out something like that. Maybe Topher put him up to it. Topher is the King of Denial.

I’m sitting on the couch, legs crossed with a bowl of popcorn in my lap, and “Priscilla…” playing on the TV, but my mind isn’t entirely on it. I keep studying the popcorn and letting my mind wander. I’m deep into one of those wandering moments when the phone rings. It jars me and I jump, barely managing to save the popcorn.

“Hello?” I say into the receiver. We used to have this cool black shiny old fashioned phone that had a fake rotary dial, but Her Majesty, the Wicked Witch, took it with her when she cleaned Nick’s things out a week ago. I replaced it with a cordless phone from Target. That’s more my price range. I don’t really care as long as I can order out pizza.

“Hey, girl.”

“Hi, Rick.” I sigh, and smile a little. Rick’s voice is smooth like honey.

“Are you alright, Sean?”

“Sure… yeah I’m…” This isn’t going to get better if I keep lying to myself and to everyone else. If I have to spill my guts anywhere, Rick is the one to spill them to. I trust him. “…I miss him.” Easy to admit, but so much harder to say than I thought.

“Yeah. I know you do.”

That’s when the doorbell rings. When it rains it pours. I take the phone with me as I go to answer it.

“Someone’s at the door, Rick, can you hang on a second?”

“Sure.” He says. But I undo the locks and open the door to find Rick himself standing in the hall with a cell-phone to his ear.

“What are you doing?” I ask, grinning and click off my phone. He lowers his hand and stuffs his cell phone into his pocket. Balanced on his other hand is a pizza box.

“Well… if you had told me to go to hell and hung up on me I was going to just turn around and head home. But, on the other hand, if you sounded like you wanted to talk…”

“You were gonna knock. How do you know I’m not going to slam the door in your face?” I tease.

“That’s what this is for...” He laughs. “Insurance.”

“Mmmm… extra cheese?”

“Of course!”

“You’re in, then.” I say, stepping aside so he can get past me.

“Pizza Whore.” Rick laughs but then stops suddenly and looks at me. “Sorry.”

“Nah, that’s OK, it’s still true.” ‘Pizza Whore’ was Nick’s nickname for me… and it stuck. I give Rick a little push toward the kitchen. “I have some beer.”

“That’s downright straight of you.” Rick says with that smooth voice and set the box down on my counter. “I hear Priscilla.” He says.

“Yeap.”

“Topher is right, you are spending too much time alone.”

“Don’t start Rick, you had such a good entrance.”

Rick grins at me as I hand him a beer. “OkOk…” I think he notices I’m wearing Nick’s PJs because he looks like he might say something and stops himself. “You lied to me today.”

“I did?” I look at Rick, thinking he’s joking but his face is totally serious. “I did?” I ask again in a different tone… one to match his look.

“You said you were alright.”

“No, I said I was OK…” I correct, trying to keep it light.

“You’re splitting hairs to throw me off-scent.”

“Do you have to be so goddamn nice to me?”

“Yeah, sorry. It’s hardwired into me. Nice. It’s like a curse.”

I laugh and serve us each some pizza. “I’m better, really. I think going out to see him today really helped.”

“How’d he look?” Rick jokes and takes his pizza into the livingroom. I notice he makes a point of turning the movie off.

“Oh you know, the same.” I answer, joining him on the couch. “Actually it’s really nice out there. Joan, damn her, picked a beautiful spot.”

“She finally let you call her Joan?” Rick asks, taking a bite of his pizza.

“No. I just do, now. She doesn’t care to respect my wishes, so I’ll be damned if I’m gonna respect hers.”

“Fair enough.”

We eat in silence for a bit while we carefully examine the big white elephant in the middle of the room before Rick, bless his heart, just gets the damn thing over with.

“I’m sorry about today.”

I shrug. “I’m not upset with you.”

“You shouldn’t be upset with any of them.” Rick says laying his point right out there without apologies.

“What?” I ask. I can’t believe he just said that.

“Sean, they had to ask, you know? First of all you had to know they were wondering. And second of all I think they’re scared.”

“That’s nonsense.”

“But it’s not, Sean. You know… Nick. Of all people. The untouchable, sexy, perfect Nick, just dropped dead on them. If it can happen to Nick…”

I stare at Rick like he’s just slammed me between the eyes with an axe. My heart sinks and it’s like I’m looking at what happened today through someone else’s eyes. “It can happen to me…”

“Or to them.” Rick says much more softly. “Or to any of us.”

Fuck. I never thought about it that way. Nick and I were meticulously careful so I really had expected that my results would be negative. I mean there’s always that little worry, but it’s like that worry that maybe your plane will go down or that you might drop dead of an aneurism. It’s not impossible, but it’s not really real, it’s just paranoia.

“And even if I’m wrong about them…” though I can tell that Rick doesn’t think he is, there must have been some conversation after I walked out, “Maybe it wasn’t just morbid curiosity, maybe they were trying to be friends. Maybe they actually want to know if you’re OK.”

I set the crust of my pizza down and take a sip of my beer. “Well…” I sigh. “Now I feel like a first class asshole.”

“If the plug fits…”

“Fuck you.” But I’m not angry, Rick is way too good at disarming me. “So I should apologize.”

“They don’t expect it. I think they understand why you were upset.”

“What about Dave, Rick? Is something up with him? He’s been so weird lately. I mean it’s not like him to just blurt out a question like that.”

“He seems fine to me, but you know Dave, he doesn’t do grief and anger and all those dark things. He’s probably a little shook up.”

“Yeah, that’s probably it.” I nod and go back for more pizza.
 

Pizza, Part II - Regarding Nick

Rick followed me into the kitchen, apparently having worked himself up to his own set of friendly questions. He fires one at me as I put another piece of pizza on his plate.

“Sean… did Nick tell you how he got it?”

“You mean who gave him HIV?” I'm so sick of everyone saying "it" like HIV is a four letter word. No, like something worse than that… people say 'fuck' all the time.

“Yeah.” Rick looks a little embarrassed to ask, but I guess I understand now why he needs to know so I try to keep my cool.

“No, I never asked, and he didn’t offer.”

It was pretty well known that Nick and I had an open relationship. I think maybe it was less known though, that I never exercised my freedom under our agreement. The only thing I can tell Rick for sure is that Nick didn’t get HIV from me. I mean, yeah, I thought about it… I even went out to clubs and bars and whatever and met guys and got close to bringing them home once or twice but when it came down to it, I decided I would rather sleep alone than settle for someone that wasn’t Nick.

So yeah, at first it bothered me a little that Nick didn’t feel the same way, but I eventually learned that Nick was just wired differently. I’m a romantic and he’s… he was pure sex. It was part of what made him Nick. He lived in the present tense, you know? He was just out enjoying the moment.

I met Nick when I was 23 and he died the day after I turned 30. He was completely unconscious by then, but even so his gift to me was not dying on my birthday… that gesture, and I know it was deliberate, was totally Nick in a nutshell. I can see how someone might think I let him take advantage of me or whatever, or think that I gave him a longer leash than maybe he deserved. But I kinda got it... there were things that Nick just had to do to be himself. And he always thought of me before he did them. I had to set him free to really see the best part of him. I guess that’s one of the things Nick taught me. Let go.

Part of me though is so… angry that he wasn't more careful. I'm angry that he put me at risk as well. And I'm fucking angry that didn't tell me as soon as he knew. We could have gotten him treatment, we could have been proactive… and he might still be here with me. I have no idea how long he knew he was positive. I have no idea who he got it from, or how, or when. I… don't even know if he knew the answers to those questions. I think that's the hardest part of all of this. If he loved me like he said he did… how… how could he do this to me?

The only answer I can think of, the one that I settled on at the cemetery today, is that he didn't want to live that present. He stayed in the moment until time caught up with him. That was so very like him. And I don't know if I can stay angry with him for being Nick.

Pizza – Part III, Goodnight

I don't know how long I’ve been standing here, silently lost in thought, but Rick finally puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Sean?"

"Huh?" I look at Rick, but it takes a minute to blink him into focus. I realize that I have tears in my eyes. I wipe them away with the soft sleeve of Nick's black flannel pajamas. "Oh.. sorry."

"It's alright."

"It's just been a long day." I say, putting another piece of pizza on my plate. It doesn't matter how upset or sick I am, I can always eat. One day I'll probably be as big as a house.

"Yeah. It's cool, Sean, no worries."

I take a deep breath and head back into the livingroom, crossing my legs on the futon as I sit.

Rick joins me. “So what happened to the old ass-poking couch, by the way? Did his mom take it?”

I nod.

“You know, I want to know, what was so special about that ugly old couch anyway?” Rick asks, and it’s a fair question, because everything else that Nick owned was meticulously fashionable and expensive.

“It used to belong to a former lover of his. Nick lost his virginity on it.”

“No way.” Rick grins.

“Yeap.” I laugh and nod. “Honest to god.”

“Nick kept the couch because he lost his virginity on it.” Rick’s words are a statement, not a question.

“It sure wasn’t my choice.” The look on Rick’s face is making me giggle.

“Well what do you know…” Rick shakes his head and snorts, grinning. But once our laughter dies the room goes uncomfortably silent. Rick stays pretty quiet while we eat what's on our plates.

"I'm ok, you know." I tell him finally. It seemed to make Topher feel better when I told him that.

"It's alright not to be."

I look at Rick. He’s being nice again, dammit. I can take just about anything but nice right now. Nice makes me feel safe, but also vulnerable too. “Well,” I sigh. “Ok, in that case I’m not alright. Actually, I’m sort of a mess. I don’t live alone well… maybe that’s it.”

“Are you going to keep this place, or move?” Rick asks, which forces me to think about another of the many things I’ve been avoiding thinking about lately.

“I can’t afford this place. I’m gonna have to move.” I’m really sad about it, but a fact is a fact. It’s hard to live here without Nick anyway.

Rick nodded, not looking the least bit surprised. “So… if you’re not good at living alone, are you going to look for a roommate?”

“Yeah, I’ll put an ad in the paper or something.”

“You know, I’ve got a second bedroom…”

“Really?” I smile. Rick would be a great roommate. “Oh… but I’m neurotic, though. You might not want me as a roommate. I might disturb your intellectual sense of order…”

“I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it.”

“Rick, if you’re serious, it would be great…”

“I’m serious. Call the movers.” Rick smiles at me and I see a light at the end of my financial tunnel.

“I’m gonna write you a song, Richard. Just for you. An ‘I love Richard’ song.”

“Oh god, please, anything but that…” He teases so I throw a pillow at him.

Rick catches it and his face gets serious again. Shit, now what? “Sean…”

“Lay it on me, Rick, I can see the look in your eyes.”

“Are you negative?”

I knew that was coming. “What does it matter?” I sigh, but I know I’m going to answer the question anyway. I’d refused to answer Dave earlier in the day, but Rick… well he’s as close to a best friend as I have now and he gets to ask the tough questions.

“Well… it only matters because we’re friends and I want you to know now that I’m here to help you if…”

“I’m clean right now, Rick.” I say, interrupting him. “I have to go back for a new test every six months for like a zillion years or something, but I’d be doing it once a year anyway. Right now things look good. But… but thank you.”

“Sure, Sean.” Rick says, getting up.

Suddenly I can’t stand the thought that he’s leaving me. “Rick…” I say hastily, getting to my feet. “Rick, would you stay tonight?”

Rick looks back at me and smiles. “On the futon. Sure.”

I grin and shake my head. “It wasn’t a proposition I just would like someone else in the apartment… I’m so sick of being alone.”

“I’ll stay. I’ll take you to brunch in the morning.”

“I’d like that.” I smile, and put my arms around him, and he holds me for an excruciating moment in which I struggle not to cry and fail miserably . “You…” I sniffle. “You know where everything is…” God Sean, quit crying like a baby. You’ve done that already.

“I do.” Rick replies, but he doesn’t let me go, and I sob in his arms for what seems like an eternity. I babble a few things about how much I miss Nick and how unfair it all is, and how angry I am and Rick just stands there, strong and sweet and lets me soak his shirt with salty tears.

“Let’s get you to bed.” I hear Rick say, and then we’re walking, with him supporting me, back to my room. I feel embarrassed and humiliated and I feel like a big cry baby, but I’m putting all of that on myself I guess because Rick just takes it all in stride and tucks me into bed. It’s not the bed I shared with Nick, The Witch took that with her, but that’s just as well. I don’t think I could sleep in it alone anymore, even though I did, plenty of times, when Nick was… when there was still hope that he would come home.

The last thing I remember is Rick telling me he loved me and to sleep well. Then the room goes dark, and I say one last goodnight to Nick.