Taxi - Part I

"It's true because you tell me so/It's a lie if I believe too much/It's real when you say it's OK/But it's not a fuck if I can't feel it…"

"Please tell me that's not the one you're writing for me." Rick comments from behind me, making me jump, and lose my pick through the soundhole and into my Ovation.

"No… Jesus Christ, Rick, make noise or something when you come into a room." I say, flipping the guitar upside down and giving it a shake. I can hear the pick rattling around inside. "Come out, you…"

"I did that years ago, Sean." Rick makes his way into my room, where I am sitting cross-legged on my bed surrounded by pencils and tablature. "Am I interrupting?"

"No… I was just goofing."

"New song?"

"Working on it… ah!" I grin as the pick finally works itself out and falls into my lap. "I felt like writing. Which is good I guess because I haven't felt like writing in a while. Am I making you nuts?"

"I love it, it's fine."

Moving in with Rick has been really cool for me. It took me the better part of my first month here to get it, but I now think at least a small part of my feeling so lonely had less to do with Nick and more to do with just living alone. It's been almost four months now and I'm pretty settled in. My room is nice, it's got a view of the street and a big closet… and I think it used to be a dining room or like a parlor or something when the brownstone was a house because it has glassed in double doors. Rick and I spent a day decorating, buying blackout curtains to cover the glass and furniture, and I managed not to sign away my first born (not that I'll probably ever have one) in the process.

"I'm going out tonight… meeting Dave and Topher and those guys… and my friend Kelly…"

"Yeah?" I say, giving the strings a strum. They vibrate sweetly for me.

"Why don't you come along?"

I stare at the bed a minute like I'm thinking it over, which I'm not, and then I look up at Rick. "Thanks, man, but I think I'll just hang here."

"No pressure…"

"Where are you going?"

"Taxi."

Taxi. The biggest club in town... also known as "Where Sean met Nick" among our friends. I look at Rick suspiciously, and then I realize he's hiding something. I can see it in his face. How did I miss it a moment ago? "What are you up to?" I ask, setting my guitar on the bed. That's when my room suddenly fills with men.

"Seany…"

"Oh no…" That's all I need to hear and then I know what's going on. "What did you agree to Rick?"

"Seany, it wasn't Ricky it was me. We're having a little intervention here. Ok? It's just your closest friends, here to tell you that it's time for you to go out and play."

"Topher… I'm really not…"

"Ahahah!" Topher smiles and waggles his finger at me and I should be furious, but he's so sweet and well-meaning it's hard to be. "I bought you a new outfit. You're wearing it or I'll pout."

"And we can't have him pouting, it'll bring the whole party down… I'm Kelly."

My green eyes meet Kelly's baby blues. I have never met Kelly. Kelly is a man. Kelly is a very handsome man. Just thinking that makes me feel guilty. And then thinking that makes me feel like an idiot. Sometimes I can't win. "Hello Kelly." I say, giving him a smile and wondering if that means I'm flirting.

"Rick's told me a lot about you." Kelly says, reaching over and undoing the buttons on my shirt. I can't remember the last time I was undressed by a man I'd never met. I'm so stunned I just let him do it.

"Funny…" I reply. "He's never mentioned you to me." I look over at Rick, who is standing in the back corner of the room with his arms crossed. He shrugs at me. It seems like maybe he's uncomfortable with this whole thing, because he's not smiling. "It's OK Rick, Topher is a force of nature." That seems to get me a smile.

"Yes yes, blame it all on me, I put Rick up to it because he is too damn nice and should have hauled that adorable little ass out of here weeks ago."

"My 30 year old ass…" I snort, but I believe Topher. No way was this Rick's idea.

"And just as perky as ever." Topher retorts. "You don't look the least bit like 30."

Not trying to brag here, but that much happens to be true. I have perma-baby face and can't grow a beard.

Kelly's got me off the bed now and standing. "You can take those off yourself or I have a little trick with my teeth…" He says with a grin. He's taller than I am and also adorable, maybe a little older, but his laugh is young. It's pretty obvious I'm being set up.

"I got it." I tell him and then Topher is in front of me, shooing Kelly and the rest of them out of the room. "No previews! Davey, you entertain the boys." He says, closing my double doors. Dave? I didn't even see him. Topher turns and looks at me.

"Honestly, Seany you can say no." Topher says in a rare bout of realism. "I'm not going to force you, but you're going to be pretty damn embarrassed if you back out now…" And yes, just like that, the elusive realism is gone.

"I'll go." I concede. "Why not? Just… don't push me, OK? I haven't been back…"

"We know, baby, we know. That's why we're all going with you. Moral support. The hardest step is the first one."

He means well. They all do. I let Topher dress me, which is an experience in itself let me tell you, and then I'm presented for the approval of the committee. Actually it's not that bad. A little more twink than my age should allow for, but the gang seems to think I can pull it off.

"Oh! One last touch!" Topher says and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "There! We're ready now." He laughs and prances to the door.

Richard smiles at me before Kelly walks between us and offers me his arm. "May I?" He says in a very handsome voice that matches his handsome face.

"Of course." I say, but I feel a little embarrassed.

Taxi – Part II

Taxi hasn't changed a bit. It's still loud, it still smells like sweat and it is still full of men. I don't mean that to sound like a bad thing. Actually, going back feels a little like going home. Yeah, I remember this scene. I remember it well.

I ditch Kelly almost as soon as I get there. I can’t handle being set up just now. He takes it well, giving me a handsome smile and slipping his business card into my hand before he disappears into the crowd. He really must be one of Rick's friends, he's so mature and sweet. I think maybe he was disappointed. I feel bad, but… well, not that bad.

I feel eyes on me and I look over my shoulder. Sure enough I have a team of people, led by Topher, watching over my "perky" ass. I decide to ignore them and go get a beer.

Nick liked this club. He liked it loud and hot, he liked to dance, and he was good at it. I liked it too for many of the same reasons… I still do, really. It’s weird to me that I feel so relaxed as I order a beer at the bar. I get a smile from the bartender, who remembers me, but is kind enough not to mention Nick. It’s only mere moments, however, before I am approached by a tall, dark haired, dark eyed, half-dressed stranger that isn’t as tactful.

“You know, I see what he saw in you.” I hear the voice behind me, and I can feel him standing too close at my back, making me feel even smaller than I already am. I turn to face the guy, and he looks familiar but I can’t place the face.

“Hello.” I say, and not intending to have a conversation, I step to the side to walk around the guy. “Excuse me.”

“Sean, isn’t it?”

I stop. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” We’re shouting over the music some, but not as much as we would be on the dance floor.

“Sure. Stuart. I was at the funeral.”

I nod, and resume making my way to the dance floor. Yeah, I do remember him, he was one of the few men that Nick knew who had had the courage to show up at the funeral despite the cathedral setting and despite the HIV. It’s amazing how many guys didn’t come because they didn’t want to be associated with the virus.

“Right. Stuart. Good to see you again.”

“Nick told me about you.”

“Oh yeah?” It’s strange to hear him say that, I guess because Nick never talked to me about anybody. I step out on the dance floor and start moving with the music. I haven’t danced in a long time, and it feels good. “Did he say anything good about me?” I manage a moronically shy grin.

“Yeah, all good stuff.”

I grin at that. “Well that’s something I guess.” I take a swig of my beer.

“He said you were the hottest fuck he’d ever had… said you were great for a twink”

I lower my beer and look at Stuart. I’m not sure I like that remark.

“You had a pretty good set-up with him, didn’t you?”

Am I hearing this guy right? I had a pretty good set-up? Great for a twink? My chest gets tight.

“He told you we had a set-up?”

“No… no not like that, it just, you know… looked that way.”

“Oh I see, it looked that way.” But looks aren’t everything, are they? Suddenly there is something I need to know. It’s completely irrational but it comes out of my mouth before I can stop it. “Tell me something, Stuart, did he fuck you?”

Stuart raises an eyebrow at me, obviously as shocked at my question as I am. I feel like I’m in a movie with a bad script, asking things no one would really ask anyone in ‘real’ life… and it only gets worse when the idiot actually answers me. “Hell yeah, lots of times.” Stuart grins, apparently not understanding that I was getting upset.

“Who else did he fuck, Stuart? Anyone you can see?” I’m not dancing anymore. I scan the crowd with my eyes.

“You seriously want to know?” Stuart asks, and I’m not sure who the idiot is now, him, or me, because I say...

“Yeah.”

“Ok…ummmm… Jimmy… and Todd… oh and Alan over there was with him a lot…”

A lot? My hands are shaking.

“Deke and Russel…”

“Quite a club.” I say backing off the dance floor.

“Hey Sean, I’m sorry… look, I only told you cuz you said you wanted to know…”

“Yeah, fine. Thanks.” But my cheeks feel hot and my heart is pounding. I turn and make my way up the ramp toward the bar and the side door. Hot… for a twink. I can hear the blood rush in my ears. I think I hear someone calling my name too, but I need air.

I push through the crowd by the side door and out into the alley, tossing my mostly full beer into a can on the way out. I walk straight for the wall of the building next door and press my palms to it. It feels solid and rough and cool. Hot for a twink. Hot, for a goddamn twink… if you like that sort of thing… and I can see where Nick’s tastes lay in the faces and the tall hard bodies of the men that Stuart pointed out. I’m feeling a little dizzy. My stomach is in knots. I’m back to asking myself why for the first time in years.

“Seany?” I hear a voice behind me. No, Topher not now, please not now.

“Give a minute, Topher.”

“Hey, are you alright?”

“Topher, please… just… wanted some air OK?”

“OK, no problem… it’s alright Seany.” But Topher puts his hands on my shoulders and I can’t control what happens next.

“Look, get off me alright?!” I snap. I shrug his hands off me, push away from the wall and turn to face him. “Get the hell off me! I should never have let you bring me here… I should never have let you talk me into this! I just want some fucking air, Topher, alright? Fucking back off, OK? Jesus Christ!”

I suppose people are staring but I don’t have the presence of mind to notice right now. I do see Rick standing behind Topher, however.

“Let him be, Topher.” Rick says with a tone in his voice I can’t quite read. It seems Topher can though, because he sort of melts away. I take a deep breath and sigh, flicking my eyes to the wet floor of the alley. It’s raining, I hadn’t even noticed. I press my palm to my forehead and let my eyes slide closed. The alley goes totally quiet. I guess the twink’s little temper tantrum sent everyone into shock. I lose track of time standing there, until Rick steps close and in a soft voice says, “Let’s go home.”

I let him lead me out of the alley and into a cab.

Taxi Part III, The Morning After

I'm guessing Rick must have slipped me something with the drink he gave me when we got home last night because I slept like a rock. It's nearly noon and I’m just climbing out of the shower when he pokes his head in to check on me.

“Sean?”

“Yeah.” I reply, then clear my throat because my voice sounds like someone’s chain-smoking grandfather.

“Hey.” Rick says, leaning in the doorway of the bathroom. “I made you French toast.”

Comfort food. I sigh and give Rick a smile. “Thanks, Rick.”

“Did you sleep well?” He asks.

“Well yeah…” I say, slipping past Rick and into my bedroom to get dressed. “But I think you knew I would.”

“You’re not angry are you? You cried all the way home in the cab… I didn’t think you were going to get much out of staying up all night…”

“Hey, if I gotta be drugged, I wanna be drugged by you, Rick.” I snort.

“Yeah ok, smart ass, you hungry?”

I make my way over to Rick, now dressed in my button-fly jeans and white t-shirt. “You bet.”

Rick and I eat silently for a while. I make it all the way through my first cup of coffee before he finally asks me what happened. I look at him and shake my head. “That guy Stuart… he told me that he thought I’d had a pretty good set-up with Nick.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, so instead of telling the jerk to give me some space I asked him… I asked if he’d had Nick.”

“Oh Sean…”

I go on to explain the rest of my idiotic mistake to Rick, and he just shakes his head at me. “I didn’t think you were ready to go back yet.”

“If you thought I wasn’t, Rick, why did you let them do it?”

“Topher is hard to say no to, Sean.”

“I thought you were taking care of me… you know?”

I don’t think I’ve ever seen the look that Rick gives me on his face before. He takes a deep breath like he is holding back a temper. He pushes back form the table and gets up, taking his plate to the sink.

“…Rick…”

I barely get his name out of my mouth when he turns back to face me.

Rick seriously had that look that parents get when they really just wish they could punch your lights out but they know they shouldn't. “Sean, when the hell did I say I would take care of you?” He asks me, and I’m so taken off-guard I just stare at him. “I never made you any such promise.”

“Rick…” I start, but again Rick talks right over me.

“I’ve been making a real effort not to speak badly of Nick, Sean. But the fact is that Stuart was right. You did have a pretty good set-up with Nick… he spoiled the hell out of you. You assumed I would take care of you because Nick taught you to assume it.”

I continue to stare, speechless.

"I love you Sean, you know that…" Rick takes a seat again, and leans on the table. “Nick didn’t do you any favors by babying you. He paid the rent and paid for groceries and bought you clothes… he kept you just like he wanted you. Dependent, Sean. You understand what I am telling you? He never gave you an opportunity to grow up because he didn’t want you to.”

I swallow and set my jaw. “Just because you didn’t like Nick…”

“You’re damn right I didn’t.” Rick says, interrupting.

The room goes silent and I stare at the table for a while. I can feel Rick’s eyes on me, waiting for me to say something.

“So… what are you saying? You think I’m a baby?"

Rick sighs. Clearly frustrated with me. “Sean, I’m your friend. You’ve been grieving and scared… but you’re thirty years old for christ’s sake. No one in this world is going to look out for what's really best for you, but you. If you didn't want to go last night, you shouldn't have gone. You can't blame me for letting you go, I'm not your mother.. and I'm not Nick. I'm not going to tell you what you can and cannot do. You understand? You need to take responsibility."

"So you think I'm irresponsible."

"Sean, I'm not going to hold your hand anymore. You have to make your own decisions, and you have to see to your own obligations>"

“Oh?” I can’t keep the little bit of sarcasm out of my voice. "Like?"

“Like… the rent is a week late, Sean.”

“This is about the fucking rent?” I ask, shouting and getting to my feet. I know it’s not really about the rent, but it’s easier to argue about than the idea that Nick kept me at home as his token twink and pet me on the head while he fucked the hot hard-bodies who’s really turned him on.

“Sean, don’t belittle this.”

“Belittle? You know what you are, Rick? You’re fucking jealous.”

Rick sort of pulls up, looking hurt. Fuck. I don’t mean it. But, it’s said now, and I can’t figure out how to take it back. “No, nono Rick, I shouldn’t have said that… I’m sorry…” I start babbling, trying to cover what might be the stupidest and most hurtful thing I have ever said to anyone.

“Have I tried to lay a hand on you, Sean?”

“No, Rick.” I sigh. Pin the fucking idiot of the year award on my forehead.

“Have I made any advances, any suggestive comments, anything at all that would make you think that I had less than honorable reasons for offering you a room?”

OK, now I feel like a fucking baby, getting a lecture from Dad. “No. No not at all.”

Rick nods. “Fine.” He turns to the sink and starts washing dishes. “I’d appreciate a little air myself today, Sean, alright?”

“I’m sorry, Rick, really…”

“Try to stay out until after dinner, hm?”

No, not Rick. I can't lose Rick too… I hurry over to him… I can't think of anything else to fix this… and I have to fix it. I take his jaw in my hands and kiss him.

Rick pulls away and somehow I end up on my ass on the floor. Did he push me? Rick and I stare at each other; him… looking hurt and angry and… something else I can't make out… and me, desperate and panting, with my heart in my mouth.

Rick finally shakes his head at me, and dries his hands on a towel. "Don't come back until after dinner." He says softly, and makes his way past me and into his room. I hear the door softly click shut behind him.