Transitions

Sean

Marcellus is lying on his side behind me still catching his breath. He's really touchy after sex, running warm fingers over my side, nibbling on my shoulders, and pressing the full length of his body to mine. I'm not used to this sort of affectionate afterglow, it's kind of nice. I sigh and arch my back into his chest, stretching. "That was great."

"Yeah, you must have been really into it."

"Oh my god, I was, totally."

"I know."

"Yeah?" I grin.

"Yes, because you called me Nick."


I freeze. I called him Nick? I even stop breathing as I try to remember. I called him fucking Nick? I sit up and look down at him. "Oh my god." I say, running fingers through my hair. I'm blushing I know it. I fucking hate that about being Irish. "Oh my god what an asshole I'm so sorry…" I stammer, and I really am sorry. Honestly. I remember this one night that Nick called me Peter and I was so upset I couldn't finish, but Nick never even noticed. "Fuck. I swear…" But soft laughter was my response and I gaped at Marcellus. "What?"

"It's not like we've been dating or anything, I'm sort of flattered you got that caught up in it."

I want to pull my pillow over my face I'm still so fucking embarrassed. "You're flattered that I called you by someone else's name?"

"Sure." Marcellus sits up as well, looking at me and smiling. I notice that we're both avoiding the wet spot without trying to look too uncool about it, which makes me laugh. "What, that's funny?"

"No… no sorry… we're funny." I point at the spot. He laughs.

"Yeah, how about a shower?"

"Yeah ok…" I say and climb over him to get out of bed. His skin is so dark compared to mine, with no hint of freckles, or any other kind of marks, just smooth dark skin. It's totally beautiful. Marcellus follows me into the bathroom just as naked as I am, and while I contemplate brushing my teeth, he starts the water.

"So who is he?"

I pretend I didn't hear the question.

"Sean, who is Nick?"

Well I'm not deaf so he'd never believe I didn't hear him that time, but do I really have to answer questions about a former lover while I'm standing here naked in front of another man? "He's dead." I answer, meaning to be dismissive.

Marcellus looks a little off guard, and I realize that 'dead' probably wasn't what I ought to have said. "Oh." Marcellus answers uncertainly, and his jaw works like he doesn't know what to say next. Marcellus, the man who saves lives for a living, doesn't know what to say to me when I tell him someone is dead.

"Sorry, that was… not the way I meant to say that."

Marcellus gestures for me to get into the shower and he follows me in. "Nick was… a former lover?"

I nod. I guess I'm answering questions after all.

"I'm sorry. When did he die?"

"About six months ago." I duck under the water and wet my crazy hair.

"Oh, Sean," Marcellus says, putting an arm around me, "I'm really sorry…"

I look at Marcellus, and I realize with some disbelief that he's totally sincere. He hasn't asked me how he died like everyone else does, or whether I loved him. He's just… he really is sorry. Marcellus didn't even know Nick. I get this twist in my stomach and my eyes instantly fill with tears. I'm helpless to keep it from happening, I guess I'm just so grateful that someone is taking my love for Nick seriously. It's the first time anyone has ever said 'I'm sorry,' to me about Nick. It's the first time that someone assumed that there was a good reason that I loved him. Marcellus sees it for the loss it was to me, and I don't see that look that everyone else gets in their eyes… that look that says, rightly or wrongly, that I'm better off without him anyway. All I see is sincerity.

I lean on Marcellus's chest and I start to cry, in away that haven't yet, in a way that I couldn't when Nick died, and haven't been allowed to since. I've been so busy defending our relationship, and his name, and our love that I haven't been able to cry like I am now. It feels so good. I hope Marcellus forgives me.

But then, maybe that's not an issue because his arms are strong as they wrap around my shoulders and his voice is soft and reassuring as he speaks to me, telling me I'm alright, telling me it's OK to just let it out. I barely know this man, really, and it feels like I've been sent an angel.

Nick

Well he isn't an angel, in fact, he's a man, and a fucking hot one at that. But I can see how Sean would think he was one, Sean has always been a romantic that way. It's difficult to watch Sean cry, but it's a real relief at the same time. He doesn't owe me a damn thing and yet he hasn't let a day go by without thinking about me, and he hasn't let anyone get away with belittling what we had together. I don't expect anyone to understand our relationship any more than Sean expects them to. I am glad, despite the longing for him in my own arms, that Sean has someone to see him through the night.

Sean has a bigger heart than anyone gives him credit for. That's why, however angry he may be, he's trying to be supportive of Dave. Hmm, Dave, yeah, I know what you want to know, and I don't see one good goddamn reason why I should tell you whether or not I knew I was positive when I fucked David. The simple fact that you even have to ask that question means that you're just as unwilling to understand me as everyone else. But Dave and Sean deserve it, so I'm going to set the record straight. No. I didn't know. I didn't know for a very long time actually, because I was too cocky to get tested. Ok, that's not an apology or an expression of remorse, by the way, it's just a fact. I was cock-sure and careless on purpose. I liked living dangerously. I lived just exactly as I pleased, and you know what? I died that way too. I wasn't about to…hmm.

But that's not the story I'm here to tell you is it? That'll have to wait.

[DAVE BIT THAT WAS HERE HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY REDACTED]

Rick

I never heard any yelling, I never heard the sound of heavy footsteps in the hall or the slamming of the front door, so I can only assume that Sean somehow made amends for shouting a dead man's name to a very much alive one. Did that make sense? I'm kinda drunk… and I'm not done yet.
I make my way into the hall, noting as I pass by that Sean and Marcellus have removed themselves from bed and appear to be in the shower. Sean's bathroom door is ajar and bright vanity light is flooding from it. I can hear muffled voices over the running water, but can't make out what they're saying. I look over the ruined bed, blankets on the floor, pillows askew, the fitted sheet has even come loose from one corner up by the headboard. Elvis seems to be off the hook, I wonder if that was deliberate or not.

I hear the water shut off and I suddenly feel like an intruder again. Would it be too much to ask for them to close the damn door? But of course I don't really want them to close it because I might miss something. That's the alcohol talking, I know. I move on down the hall to the table where I left my whiskey and pick the bottle up. I refill my glass, and take a sip.

"I'm sorry…" That was Sean's voice. I look down the hall toward the open bedroom door.
"It's cool, Sean, like you said you were overdue for a meltdown." Marcellus sounded very comforting, damn him. I should be in there holding Sean, reassuring him. And anyway, Nick's been dead six months, it's time for him to let Sean go. Or… well you know what I mean… I'm drunk.

"It's just that nobody's really… everyone hates Nick."

"You mean hated." Marcellus corrected.

"No, I mean hates," Sean insisted. "It doesn't matter that he's dead, no one else buried their feelings with him either."

"Ah, I see."

"And it's like… his ghost is everywhere, anyway. He just keeps turning up in places I don't expect him, in people's lives I didn't know he was ever in, it's so hard."

Yeah like Dave's life, Sean? If he wanted us to bury our feelings he shouldn't have left a fucking legacy. I make my way back to my bedroom, I don't need to hear any more about how wonderful Nick was, and I don't need to hear more about how Marcellus wants to make it all better. It's wrong, it's all so fucking wrong.

"Hey, Rick."

I stop just outside Sean's door.

"Didn't hear you come home." Sean smiles at me. That smile could stop wars.

"Oh, I just got in…" I lie.

"Are you drunk? You're drunk." Sean grins.

"It was a good night at Taxi." More lies. This needs to stop.

Marcellus approaches the door. "Hello, Rick."

"Marcellus." I say a little more coolly than I really wanted to, but he's too damn polite to call me on it.

"Sorry about the mess." He says and steps past me to retrieve the myriad of personal items left in the hallway.

"Seems like you two had a good night."

"It was great!" Sean says, and beams at me from the bedroom and I feel something inside me break.

"Goodnight." I manage, and make my way down the hall. I hear Marcellus close Sean's bedroom door. He picked up the clothes but he didn't set the hall to rights. How… inconsiderate of him.