Whirlwind

Do you remember when we met?

I do. You sort of knocked into me in the crowd... at that bar... remember? And the music was so fucking loud you had to sort of nod an apology at me and shout in my ear. You offered to buy me a drink to replace the one that you’d just spilled down the front of my Clash t-shirt. Remember? And I was like, 'this is so not cool, I’ll never get a date reeking of beer' not to mention that I hated washing that t-shirt... I was sure it was ready to disintegrate on me at any moment. God, I was so pissed...except that, you know, yours was the first offer I’d had all night so I took you up on it.

A couple of beers later I was starting to wonder how I hadn’t noticed those amazing brown eyes the moment you bumped into me. I think I told you so, even. Much more forward than I usually am... thanks for the drink, you have beautiful eyes... geez... could I look more desperate to get you into bed?

Except see... here’s the thing. Then you said, "You smell great..." and that was it. I didn’t feel so desperate anymore because I knew I was gonna get laid. Had I even gotten your name yet?

Anyway, so like a month later we were laughing about the beer foul. It had become a joke. What do I have to do, dump a beer on you...? You know? That was funny wasn’t it? And we’d taken to actually walking down the street together *gasp* in broad daylight. I was calling you my "boyfriend", and you were buying me flowers. God it was so corny, wasn’t it? Good corny, but corny. Smooching in public... so sweet it almost makes my teeth hurt to think about it

Yeah, I knew you fooled around. My friends used to warn me... but I didn’t listen. You always came home eventually, and then it was so good... wasn’t it? So fucking good...

Until that night. We’d been dancing the night away with friends, we’d just snuck out the side exit, made out in the alley, stumbled out onto the sidewalk with our arms around each other... I’m not sure who was holding who up at that point, but that was when you fell. Right onto the sidewalk like a bag of sand. THUD. Just like that. I was stunned. One moment in my arms and the next...

And the next we were in the emergency room. And then... then I blinked and you were being admitted. That was when everything began to spiral out of control.

It was days in the hospital waiting for the cocktail to kick in. Hadn’t you just been fine a week ago? Or even yesterday? One minute I had everything and then all of a sudden I was juggling. I couldn’t keep up. There were a hundred nurses in and out, day and night, talking in medical-speak... nobody ever let you get a good night’s sleep... I had to keep hunting down people to get you your meals on time... and on and on... and then there was that prick doctor... the one that kept throwing me out after visitors’ hours because I wasn’t a fucking blood relative or "next of kin", whatever the hell that is.

I couldn’t get upset with you about it, not then... not while you were sick... not when you needed me the most. So now... now I wanna know. I wanna know what the hell you were thinking? What the fuck was that? Denial? Why didn’t you ever tell me? How could you? So what if we were careful, I still should’ve known! Why didn’t you get treatment from day one? Why don’t you ever think ahead?

Why...?

...why didn’t I get sick too...?

Fuck whoever gave this thing to you. No... no wait, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for not getting help the day you found out instead of spinning the wheel of fucking fortune. Fuck you and your beautiful eyes and your strong hard body and your crazy hair. Fuck the way you lived your life like there was no tomorrow, because now I get it, see? Fuck you. And fuck you for leaving me behind.

Alone.

Without you.

Fuck...

I miss you, baby.